Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely"... untitled
by Lionna Mouri
Summary: this was my first 'official' GW story... shonen-ai and yoai implications. Takes place right after Heero self-destructs. This is a version of how Duo might have handled it... not one of my best works, but it was a start.


Title:   
By: Lionna (a.k.a. Shinigami Goddess)  
Rating: PG/ PG-13ish  
Type: shonen-ai/ angst/ romance  
E-mail: shinigami_goddess@yahoo.com   
Webpage: http://www.fortunecity.com/lavender/westside/1452/   
Started April 16, 2000 Finished April 30, 2000 second GW fic   
  
Disclaimers: the Gundam Wing characters don't belong to me but a lotta rich people and companies. I'd   
love to own them but hey, we can't have everything. Anyhow, suing would be pointless since I've already   
set my money that I have into paying for air fare, hotel costs, and the like for traveling out to the Anime   
Expo in Anaheim. Oh yeah, the song used is the property of Backstreet Boys.  
  
Note: this is my first Gundam Wing fic that's longer than a page. Also the first that I really got into the   
relationships. Please send feedback!!!!  
  
The room was all too quiet. Much too quiet. It's not that he wasn't used to the silence… but…   
inside he felt as silent as the room about him. There was nothing more to say, nothing more to feel. 'Why?'   
the word rested on his lips as he stared sullenly out the window.  
  
Show me the meaning of being lonely  
  
"Lunch is on the table," a voice called in. That voice, the most caring of them all – seemingly so   
innocent. But in truth he too was hiding himself behind a mask – they all were… or had, depending on who   
you were talking about.  
'Oh God no… don't think about… just don't think about it…' Breathing deeply, he put on a smile   
and walked out to join his host as they went to lunch. The blonde Arab mentioned things about the estate as   
they walked but the other boy barely listened.  
The blonde sighed, turning to the boy with long, brown, braided hair and said, "Duo, if there's   
something wrong or bothering you… let me know."  
Duo laughed softly, brushing the comment off as easily as he could, "Oh don't worry about a   
thing, Quatre. What could be wrong?" The blonde frowned in reply but made no other comments. 'I can't   
tell you… I promised. We promised. We…' his thoughts trailed off as he thought back. 'Why did you?'  
All through lunch the two boys would exchange talk, both acting as if everything was normal. But   
how could it be? It had been a week since all of the pilots split their own ways after that failed and   
completely messed up mission. They all needed time to recover. Wufei really must have because the   
Chinese boy hadn't even shown up for that important mission. 'Too bad,' Quatre thought, 'we could have   
used him.'  
Drifting off into memories, Duo could see the images in his mind again. "I repeat, I will surrender   
but I will not hand over the Gundams!" The strange scientist was still on screen as Duo watched with a   
confused expression on his face. 'Then what does this guy want?' The next thing he knew he was seeing the   
hatch on Wing open and Heero jump out, a device held in his hand as he stared into the distance. Only   
seconds later he hit the button. "NOOOO!!" Duo screamed, watching as Wing self-destructed and the frail   
body went flying. "HEERO! How could you?! How could you do this?!" Tears threatened yet he didn't cry,   
had never cried again since childhood on colony L2.  
"I… I need to think a while," Duo murmured, retreating to the room Quatre offered him when they   
came to the young boy's desert estate. Emptiness, sorrow, longing… it still remained in his heart as he sat   
on the bed. There were no photographs to look at… nothing to truly bring back the feel of the other's hair   
or skin. "Why…"  
  
So many words for the broken heart  
It's hard to see in a crimson love  
So hard to breathe  
  
Duo finally gave into sleep as he watched the starry night sky, imagining how beautiful it would   
have been to go stargazing… with *him* . There was no chance of seeing him again, Heero was dead.   
There was no way he survived that… "Heero…" he whispered before sleep claimed him.  
~~~  
More nights passed, all more emptier than the one before… each one filling more and more with   
pain and loneliness. 'What right have I even to live? I don't… I've killed so many, I know that pain of   
losing someone. How could I be doing this? There's no more missions right now… and even if there were   
I'd mess them up. I'm useless… they don't need me. But I did need him.' Duo angrily punched his pillow to   
vent, it was better than nothing. He felt so lost, it had already been two weeks since that mission… since   
the day Heero went flying with the debris of Wing…  
"How can you do this to me…?" Duo choked, no actual tears forming. "Heero… didn't you even   
think…?"   
Their relationship had been new, both having accepted one another's friendship silently. But then   
things started going faster and faster as they were repeatedly bumping into each other and sharing missions.   
They'd end up rooming together wherever they went, it was the simplest way, and Duo found his interest in   
the Japanese pilot was intensifying. One night they had just finished dinner when neither of them moved or   
spoke. The cheerful mask that hung over Duo's face was lifted off as he watched Heero sitting still as   
stone. "Heero…" he'd started. The other boy glanced casually at him, hiding some emotions threatening to   
flow to his eyes. Duo smiled sadly and shook his head, "Never mind… I don't wish to bother you." Later   
that night Duo stumbled into the bedroom to find Heero sitting on the windowsill and staring at the door,   
waiting for him.   
"Duo."  
The American stood still and watched as Heero stood up and moved to his own bed. "Wait,   
Heero…" he started. When the boy turned, Duo realized what he'd done and decided he couldn't back out.   
"What… do you think of me?" The Japanese boy looked startled and it brought a small smile to the   
American's lips. "Heero…" he moved forward, feeling all conscious thought slip away as he moved to the   
other boy. They were inches apart and Heero still hadn't moved, the only sign that he was feeling different   
was the quickening of his breath. There were no more words as their lips met suddenly, sealing a pact of   
their feelings.   
From then on the two had grown closer but not shown it. When Relena had shown up at the school   
they were attending, they'd gotten a little more than annoyed but couldn't do anything about it. Mostly they   
just avoided her and that had worked. It was kind of strange to realize she was following them, or more   
specifically, Heero.   
"I want you here," Duo whispered into his pillow. Mid-afternoon sun was creeping through the   
windows but he ignored the warmth, it was nothing compared to the touch of Heero's hands as he caressed   
his face. "Heero…"  
~~~  
The night sky was filled with stars as the two boys walked along an old, unused path. "This should   
be fun… there's no one out tonight!" his violet-blue eyes sparked mischievously at his partner who just   
snorted in response.   
Eventually they found themselves laying in one another's arms as they watched for shooting stars   
in the beautiful night sky. "The stars… they look like tears." Duo let his eyes roam across the sky and   
agreed silently. Heero continued, "I wonder if this war will end and if those tears will dissolve. We're their   
last hope, Duo."  
"Heero?"   
"The colonies depend on us for peace. We can't let them down. We must win. But…" he started,   
holding Duo a little closer.   
The American leaned against the other boy and murmured, "What happens when we lose   
someone? I… don't know if I can handle it. What if I lose you?" There was no reply. There never could be,   
until it happened.   
  
Walk with me, and maybe  
Nights of light so soon become  
Wild and free I could feel the sun  
Your every wish will be done  
  
Sweat trickled down the back of his neck as Duo shot up in his bed. 'Why does this happen?!   
Every time… more nightmares…' He couldn't deal with it anymore, his heart and soul and mind agreed   
now – Heero wasn't coming back. That was his last hope, last chance… he was gone now. There was   
nothing left for the American pilot. Duo stumbled around the room as he rummaged through his things to   
find the object he was looking for.   
The sun wasn't even rising yet, he had time. Dull eyes stared out the window for a few moments   
as he remembered Quatre talking to him about continuing the mission, to live on for what Heero had been   
fighting for. What was he really fighting for? Who really knew? The blonde had said there wasn't much   
they could have done at that point in time. Duo knew that was a lie, had he been more attentive he would   
have realized that Heero would do something like that.   
  
They tell me...  
  
He stared down at the metal object that glinted in his hand. 'I'm sorry, Quatre, you're a good   
friend. But I can't… can't live this way…' He moved into the bathroom connected to his room and shut the   
door and locked it, not wanting any chance of being disturbed. When he stared into the mirror he noted the   
rings about his eyes, the pallor of his face. He looked like the living dead, he thought miserably.  
'Maybe that's what I am…' he mused. That would change soon, if he could help it. He kneeled on   
the floor so that his shaking joints didn't give out on him. The sharp blade rested against his arm for a   
moment and he just stared at it as he applied pressure and the blade brought forth a tiny fountain of blood.   
It stung, but he ignored it – imagining what Heero had felt when he'd went flying. 'I've already sinned. It   
doesn't matter anymore, just another sin… who is there to even care?'  
The blade suddenly was pulled along, cutting his skin to halfway down his forearm. The blood had   
increased, staining the beautiful white-tiled floor. Duo took a shaky breath and moved the knife down the   
other arm. 'I just can't deal with it, Heero… please…. Wait for me this time.' Blackness nipped at his   
vision, the blood was pouring from a major vein in his arms.   
"Duo!" a frantic voice sounded through the door, banging following the voice. "DUO! Let me in!   
Duo!" Quatre was panicking after waking up and feeling empty and frightened. Upon entering Duo's   
bedroom and finding him nowhere in sight intensified the feeling until he started ramming against the door   
and trying to break the wood.   
'Shit,' Duo cursed mentally as he watched the blood continue from his arms.   
Wood splintered and the knob was broken loose, Quatre coming in the next second. Everything   
stopped and Quatre stood with eyes wide in horror. "Duo…"  
'No…' Duo turned away and didn't attempt to hide anything, it was too late for that anyhow. 'I   
want to be with Heero, leave me alone…'  
  
Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart  
  
He stared numbly out the front window of the large truck. His arms stung painfully, enabling him   
to drive. Beside him sat the blonde as he drove down the roads to a place that he would not reveal. Behind   
their truck came another, that one carrying a covered Sandrock. "Duo," Quatre started, his voice soft. "Will   
you be able to fight?"  
"Of course, what else can I do?" he asked bitterly.   
A strange mixture of emotions passed through the blonde's face but he couldn't express his   
opinions vocally. "I… have this strange feeling about coming here…" Duo said nothing in response, still   
staring unseeing out of the cab. "You still have a job to do. The way we pay for what we've done is by   
suffering with the knowledge of those we've hurt or killed. We can't change ourselves, this is what we   
must do… we're the colonies hope. We're their last hope, Duo."  
Finally Quatre received a reaction from Duo. The boy stiffened, sitting up straighter with his   
breath quickening. "Don't say that," he managed to choke out.  
"What…? Duo, what's wrong?" The other boy sat stone cold, reminding him of another pilot.   
'Duo… what's going on? You're not just suffering because of all the battles. What's the reason?' They   
were coming closer to their destination, a stopped circus as they practiced for their next performance.   
'Please help him, Trowa.'   
After finding Duo sitting on the floor of the bathroom Quatre had quickly wrapped the boy's arms   
in towels and rushed to get a doctor. His arms were bandaged, but would not heal for quite some time.   
Quatre had been searching for the circus Trowa was with for a while now and when Duo had tried to pull   
that stunt… well it jogged his mind that it was time to find the other Gundam pilot. They'd waited a week   
until Quatre announced his plans. Of course the servants were upset but Quatre relented in having two of   
the Manguanacs to come along and drive Sandrock. 'You must live, Duo. I'll make sure of that.' Glancing   
over at Duo he shuddered inwardly at the stone cold eyes that were seeing nothing.  
  
Life goes on as it never ends  
Eyes of stone observe the trends  
They never say forever gaze  
  
'Where am I…?' his vision was blurred and he felt sore all over. Sunlight was falling into the   
room and he wondered absently where exactly he was. Upon raising himself up on his elbows he heard the   
TV on to the right of him. He narrowed his dark eyes to try and focus on the figure. At first a strange   
hallucination of a blonde female was there but that image soon cleared to someone with long, brown hair.   
'Wait… Duo…?' A sudden groan escaped his lips as he tried to sit up and the figure sitting whirled around,   
startled. 'No, not…' he stopped his thoughts. The female had short, wild red-brown hair.   
She smiled at him gently and set aside the knitting she had been doing. "You're finally awake, I'll   
go get Trowa." The woman stood and walked to the doorway, sticking her head into the narrow hallway.   
"Trowa! Your friend's up!"  
Within minutes a tall boy with long, spiky bangs that shot off straight over his face came into the   
room. "Thank you, Catherine," he said in his usual soft voice. The woman took the hint and took her   
knitting as she left the room and closed the door. "So you're awake." This time his statement was directed   
to the other boy sorely sitting in bed.  
"What am I doing here?" he asked in a low voice, almost dangerous.  
Trowa carefully moved to stare out the window, "After you self-destructed we all had to retreat.   
You were just lying there and I took you back."  
Slowly images filtered back into the hazed back into the still recovering boy's brain. "Oh.   
You're…"  
"I have no name but if you need a name, I'm Trowa Barton. Pilot of Heavyarms. You're the pilot   
of Wing."  
"Heero Yuy," was the stiff response.   
Nodding briefly, Trowa commented, "You were the only one who understood what that man was   
saying. If only all of us could have done what you did."  
A snort escaped the usually impassive boy. Heero slightly raised an eyebrow and commented   
dryly, "A tip, dying hurts like hell."  
Blinking slightly, Trowa's face took on a slightly startled look and a smile quirked on his lips as a   
bit of laughter came to his throat. On the bed, Heero smirked ever so slightly at hearing the laugh. Suddenly   
a realization hit him and in his heart he felt panic… and maybe even the littlest bit of guilt. 'Oh no… I   
never… oh, Duo…'  
He had no control over his next question, as he was desperate to know. "What happened to the   
others?"  
"What?" Trowa returned to the usual seriousness and looked over at Heero whose face was   
suddenly looking almost desperate. Shaking his head to clear the strange image, he responded, "I'm not   
sure. Quatre and the other boy left the battle, none of us could stay. As for where either of them went I'm   
not sure."  
Silence filled the room and cobalt blue eyes stared at the wall. 'You weren't warned, were you?   
But I couldn't. Now I'll have to find you, ne? You made me promise…'  
'Since when have I had to obey someone?' Heero's other thoughts broke in nastily.   
'Since he entered my life.' The other voice was at a loss for words, luckily. Calmly Trowa watched   
the hardened face of the boy sitting on the bed. Inside, he knew, Heero was fighting over some thought…   
yet he could only guess to what it was.  
  
Guilty roads to an endless love  
There's no control  
Are you with me now  
Your every wish will be done  
  
Later that afternoon, Catherine returned to the room to find two silent boys. She sighed, smiling   
slightly, as she set a tray of food down. "Go on and eat, you two." Trowa turned slightly from the window   
to watch her go and Heero caught the narrowing of eyebrows on the other's features.  
"Who is she?" he questioned, oddly enough starting the conversation.  
Trowa didn't reply at first, moving to take some food over to Heero. "I'm her partner in some of   
the acts we do for the circus. Catherine Bloom. She's quite stubborn and worries too much."  
Silently Heero began to eat, his eyes seeing nothing as he thought back to nights when he didn't   
feel so empty. 'Yeah, stubborn. And such a worry-wart.' A small snort passed through his lips. After a   
fairly easy mission he had accidentally been cut and the longhaired boy had hovered over him worriedly   
with bandage in hand. Not to mention their second meeting when Duo had practically screamed at him for   
jumping and not opening his parachute until too late. 'And he never let up…'  
"Was there any reason you wanted to know where the others were?" Trowa inquired, taking a bite   
of his meal.  
Slightly weary, Heero answered, "Not much."  
The other just let out a soft 'hmm' and seemed to have his thoughts elsewhere. "If you're   
interested, Quatre may know. He may be hard to contact but I know a way."  
Something in the change of Trowa's voice caught Heero's attention and he eyed the tall boy from   
the corner of his eye. He wouldn't press the issue but he had the strangest feeling that there was something   
there…  
  
They tell me  
  
For a while Heero remained silent. Finally he let out a breath, "If you can."  
"What?" Trowa looked back, coming out of his thoughts. 'How could I be so out of it?'  
"If you can contact this… Quatre, then do so," Heero clarified. Slowly he received a nod in   
response and he could have sworn the edges of Trowa's lips started to twist upward.   
Ignoring the odd response, Heero set aside his dishes and lay back to think. 'What is this I'm   
feeling? I never felt…' His body, besides from being sore, felt cold. His skin felt like a cage holding him in.   
For the first time in ages, he felt alone. Sure, he'd felt alone before… but not for years. Not since before his   
training with Dr. J. Before coming to earth he just plain didn't feel anything at all. He was content to float   
in a void of unfeeling where none of his senses had to work. Then everything was shattered, washing up   
onto shore and having some strange blonde hovering over him with a worry on her sweet features.  
Not long after she followed him to the marina as he was about to set off the torpedoes. He could   
have even successfully killed her and be done of the disturbance and gone back to the void when again   
more shattering came. It was one of the strangest occurrences he had observed as the boy with a long braid   
shot off a gun aimed at him. Heero had been shocked and startled at the time to be caught off guard and he   
tried to grab for his gun and get rid of the two people who had shattered his simple, non-feeling shell. But   
not a chance. That girl, Relena, had stood in front of him to protect him as she bandaged his arm. And that   
odd boy, he'd just stand there with a funny look on his face with his gun limp in hand.   
Shaking his head to clear the memories, Heero realized he'd never be rid of either of them. But   
damn! They'd made him feel again, had broken the walls circling him. Ever since that night he'd ended up   
saving Relena's life things had seemed to change so much. Slowly he began getting less and less annoyed   
at the longhaired boy who called himself 'Duo'… and oddly enough, friendship blossomed and somewhere   
along the way he'd started watching the pilot longer. He'd keep memories of the boy looking so peaceful in   
his sleep; watched him eating his meals so quickly it sometimes made Heero lose his appetite. And then…   
one night after dinner he couldn't move and neither had Duo. The boy had started to say something but the   
two split up. That night had been a surprise,  
"Duo." Heero spoke in the low monotone before moving to go back and sit on his bed.  
The American had stood there for a while, looking uncomfortable when he voiced, "Wait,   
Heero…" Heero had paused, turning back to watch with a steady gaze but wild heart. "What… do you   
think of me?" The Japanese boy couldn't respond, his voice caught in his throat after being caught off   
guard. Duo moved forward slowly, a small smile on his face. "Heero…" And then everything cracked, the   
remaining walls brutally blasted away as their lips met.  
"…okay?" Trowa's voice finally made it through to Heero's jumbled thoughts.  
"Huh…?" inside he was feeling dead and alone again. "Oh, yeah. Fine." Heero turned away again.   
'Look what he's done to me. He's made me remember that I'm lost.'  
  
Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart  
  
"Duo," Quatre kept his attention on the road as he called for his companion to wake up. "Hey,   
Duo!"  
Slowly the American sat up and blinked blurry eyes. He'd had more dreams… recollections of the   
latest battle as Wing destructed and threw its pilot away like some piece of trash. "Why in the world are we   
heading towards a circus?" he mumbled, partially confused. In the distance tiny, colorful tents could be   
seen.  
Giving a weak smile and looking a little embarrassed, Quatre responded with a brief question,   
"You remember me telling you about Trowa working in a circus…?" A slight nod in response and he   
continued, "Well I tracked him here. I… thought… well… um…" he began to stutter and a small quirk of a   
smile appeared on Duo's lips.  
"Ah… I see…" he waggled a finger in Quatre's direction. "You got a crush on him, ne?" Seeing   
the blushing face of his companion, Duo's lips twitched into one of the few real smiles he could give lately.   
It was a sad smile, but a smile none-the-less.   
"Well… um… I- I…" the blonde gave up. "Fine, you win. Yes I do." He chanced a look at Duo   
and realized the boy was staring at him with a faraway look in his eyes, not really looking at him at all.   
'What did I say…?' He was puzzled, a small, sad smile adorned Duo's features and hidden in his eyes were   
pain. "D-Duo…? Are you okay?"  
Snapping quickly back to reality, Duo looked at the worried blonde. "Yeah, sure…" he shrugged a   
shoulder. "It's… nothing."  
'What is it, my friend? You… seemed to understand… oh my-!' Quatre suddenly took a quick   
intake of breath as a thought came to him. Feeling his eyes widen, he did his best to calm himself. 'Why   
didn't I ever think of it? Of course! That was it all along!'  
"Yo, Quatre… man, are you alright? You look like someone just said the earth is square." It was a   
poor joke, but he hadn't even been trying to joke for ages.   
Stumbling to find the right words, Quatre stuttered, "Duo… I… think I… understand… was   
there…?" He couldn't finish at first and slowly took a gulp of air before whispering softly, "Was there…   
anything between you and Heero?"  
The silence hit him in full force and he chanced a look at Duo. The smile had disappeared, a   
simple thin-lined mouth in its place. His eyes were focusing in the distance, emotions battling within. "I'm   
sorry," Quatre murmured, "I… shouldn't have said. I… understand now."  
'Maybe you do, Quatre. But not enough… you don't know… so much of it. You have someone to   
go to – many people. You still have family. You still have a home. I'm different. It's not all the same.' The   
circus was up ahead and Duo winced, he didn't like to think what would happen when he saw Trowa and   
Quatre together. He knew the two of them had worked many times together from all the chattering Quatre   
had done about him before. 'What if I can't handle it?'  
  
There's nowhere to run  
I have no place to go  
  
Laying on the grass and staring up at the fading stars, Duo considered the past week. Things had   
gone so fast after that night when he'd kissed Heero. He'd been startled when Heero responded. They'd   
exchanged no more words that night, both going to bed with many thoughts on their mind. The next day   
Duo kept trying to bring it up but Heero somehow managed to avoid the subject. Yet… somehow they kept   
brushing past one another and Heero was most definitely not concentrating on his laptop. It finally ended   
in warm embraces and kisses. Duo didn't resist, relishing the feel of being held tight after so long.  
The next day was a little easier, brief kisses coming easily except still Heero wouldn't speak   
aloud. It was beginning to disturb Duo. And finally the American was able to get the subject out in the   
open. Heero couldn't escape it any longer and stated, "It's different… from anything I've ever felt." He   
looked about to continue but never did. Just when Duo was going to turn and leave the Japanese pilot   
alone, a question rose to the air. "What about you, what do you feel?"  
Quietly, not looking at the boy, he whispered, "I… feel wanted again. I l-love… you, Heero. Even   
if you may not…" with that said he escaped from the house, not waiting for a reaction.  
That brought him up onto the hill and staring at the stars all night until dawn was about to come.   
Heero still hadn't shown. Softly chuckling, Duo scolded himself, "It was something new to him. That's all.   
He really isn't interested." Though a smile was on his face, his heart was breaking inside.  
"I never said that," a voice told him softly. Duo sat up sharply, whipping his head around to see   
Heero getting up from his kneeling position a few feet away and coming close.  
"He-Heero…!" Duo was shocked he hadn't heard the other boy come up. 'How long has he been   
here?'  
Presently the Japanese pilot reached Duo's side and sat next to him, reaching a hand out to trace   
the contours of Duo's face. "I never said I wasn't interested." The breath caught in the longhaired boy's   
throat as he waited for Heero to continue. After a long pause, his voice returned, "Duo, I'm not… used to   
this. I don't know what's happening."  
A soft smile came onto Duo's face. "That's okay," he murmured, "I can wait…"  
Heero studied him skeptically and commented, "I'm not sure about that. From what you said   
before…" he waved his hand to signify what he'd heard Duo speaking to the sky. Before the other could   
reply, he continued on. "I can't tell for sure yet… but I'm almost, almost positive that… what I feel is…" he   
swallowed and carefully whispered, "love."  
Duo's arms came up and wrapped around the other pilot, "Thank you. I really can wait, you   
know…" He held Heero tighter, breathing in the scent of the boy's shampoo. Soon arms were wrapping   
about him and Duo knew that eventually, someday, things would work out. "I love you, Heero… it took me   
a long time to figure it out… you get your time too…"   
  
Surrender my heart' body and soul  
How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show  
  
Morning sunlight was pouring into the room, forcing the eyes of one tousled-hair pilot open.   
Slowly, so as not to jar his injuries, Heero sat up and peered around the room he had grown to know over   
the past few days. Within minutes Trowa would enter with a tray full of food that Catherine had made fore   
breakfast. It was routine, even with him being awake for only three days prior to that morning. Of course he   
had technically been in that room for a little more than a month. 'What will Duo be thinking? Where is he?   
He must suspect… but shouldn't he know?'  
The door opened and, as expected, Trowa came bearing a tray laden with food. No words were   
spoken, neither being the usual talkative type. In fact since the first day they'd barely spoken more than a   
few sentences to one another.   
Something seemed different about that day, however. There was an odd atmosphere to the room as   
if predicting the changes coming. Heero gave into a frown, setting down the remainder of his breakfast.   
Trowa looked up from his thoughts, raising an eyebrow slightly in question. Heero responded with a blank   
look cast his way, his fingers twitching unconsciously.   
"Trowa!" Catherine called. Soon the woman appeared in the room wearing a short halter-top and   
short, jean shorts. "Trowa, there's a meeting, we need you right now. Oh, good morning," she greeted   
Heero.   
The tall boy stood up, glancing briefly at Heero before moving out of the room. When the two left,   
Heero turned his face to the window that stared off to the surrounding countryside. 'I'm empty without you   
Duo. Why aren't you here…? What happened?'  
~~~  
Trowa listened with a careful ear to the plans. His face was emotionless as he heard they would be   
performing at an Oz base in two weeks. They'd be leaving by the end of the week. Once the mention of   
needing some new acts came up, Trowa spoke, "I'll have something planned. Something they'll never   
forget."  
At first the ringmaster looked a little weary but Catherine spoke up. "Hey, if Trowa's actually   
speaking he must have something special planned."  
"Okay," the ringmaster nodded in approval and Trowa turned to go back to the trailer where Heero   
was still resting.   
It was a bright day, warm too yet the warm fingers of the sun didn't touch him. He still felt cold   
and numb. His heart felt… empty… it was a strange feeling, one he hadn't had for a long time. A soft sigh   
finally won it's way to Trowa's mouth and he let it escape. 'I should never have brought up Quatre…'  
~~~  
His heart was beating wildly as he did his best to focus on driving to the outskirts of the camp.   
There was a gathering of people by one of the trailers and he strained his blue eyes to see if a certain tall   
boy was standing there. Unfortunately he couldn't spot he was looking for so finally gave up on just   
parking the large truck. Behind him, Abdul was carefully following with his precious burden of Sandrock   
on the trailer part of the truck.  
"We can just stop here, you know," the American commented from the passenger seat. The blonde   
looked over at him and blinked his eyes.  
"Um… yeah…" Quatre shook his head to clear the thoughts pouring into his mind. 'I'll see him   
soon enough… it's been quite a while…' A smile came to his lips and he parked the truck, Abdul doing the   
same behind him.  
~~~  
'I really don't want to be doing this…' Duo thought, eyeing the camp of tents and trailers wearily.   
He was most definitely not in the mood. Once Quatre found Trowa he would be happily spending all the   
time he could with the tall pilot and most likely would just leave Duo alone and not keeping such a close   
eye on him.   
"Duo…" Quatre started, reaching his fingers out to brush against Duo's shoulder.  
Shuddering slightly at the sensation of someone's touch on him again, the American closed his   
eyes tightly to stop the sting he could feel within his temples. "Just a moment…" he muttered. He could   
feel Quatre slowly move back and undo his safety belt. Soon the blonde Arab was opening the cab door and   
stepping out, probably to talk to Abdul and the other man that had accompanied them. Once the door was   
shut, Duo's eyes came open and he stared ahead.  
"Heero… how can I do this…? Why…? Why didn't you think?" His hands clenched tightly and   
he bit his lip to stop a sob that threatened to tear his throat. "Damnit! Why? You suicidal idiot!" Suddenly a   
laugh came from his lips, bordering on the edge of hysterical. 'And now who's the suicidal idiot? Looks like   
you rubbed off on me, koi.' His laughs were gone and he realized with horror that tears were dripping down   
his cheeks.   
"No! I don't cry!" But he couldn't stop it, his form was shaking uncontrollably and Duo bent over   
as he sobbed.   
  
You are missing in my heart  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
  
When Duo still hadn't come out of the cab, Quatre began to panic and quickly opened the   
passenger side's door. The scene meeting him almost sent him into a state of shock. The long braid was   
hanging forward, obscuring the features of Duo as he curled into a tight ball with a trembling body. Pain   
entered Quatre's heart as he stood there for a while. Finally he moved into the cab and closed the door.   
"Duo…" he murmured, tears threatening his own eyes.  
"G-go away…!" Duo managed, gripping his knees tightly. "Just GO! Trowa's waiting for you… t-  
there… somewhere…"   
Quatre slowly brought Duo into an embrace. "Not until we settle you down… it's okay, Duo. It's   
okay… shh… you're not alone…"  
'Strange, I feel that way…' Duo thought bitterly. Slowly, however, the tears were disappearing   
and his body stopped trembling. After a while, he finally felt a bit more normal.  
Pushing him back just enough to study his face, Quatre gave Duo's hand a squeeze of reassurance.   
"Come on, you have a new friend to meet…" his voice was soft but firm. He refused to let Duo just sit   
there all day.  
"I just wish…" Duo trailed off and waved a hand to dismiss the thought. He finished the sentence   
to himself, 'Just wish that I was with him.'  
  
Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart  
  
Duo let Quatre lead him out of the truck and they jumped to the ground, preparing to move into   
the camp. The blonde waved to Abdul who came over to watch over Deathscythe while the other man stood   
guard over Sandrock.   
Taking in a deep breath, Duo tugged at his long-sleeves uncomfortably as he followed after   
Quatre. They came up to where a group of people were splitting up, obviously the meeting being over.   
Looking around, Quatre finally walked up to the man who seemed to be the head of the circus. "Um…   
excuse me sir." The man looked down at the two boys with an eyebrow raised in slight interest. "I'm   
looking for Trowa… Trowa Barton, where can I find him?"  
"Friends of Trowa?" a young woman came up to them. She was fairly tall with short, red-brown   
hair. She seemed to consider her options for a moment and told them, "Come with me, I'll show you where   
he is." Glad to have cooperation, Quatre followed after the woman with Duo following a little more slowly.   
"My name's Catherine, Trowa's my partner in some of the acts. I hope you two aren't as quiet as he is…"   
she smiled a little.  
Quatre returned the smile, "That just seems to be how he is." Catherine stopped in front of one of   
the trailers and opened the door to let them all in.  
She motioned them to wait in the small room that consisted of a couch, TV, and coffee table. The   
two boys settled down to wait and lapsed into silence.  
~~~  
Both Heero and Trowa looked up at the sound of a knock. Catherine peeked her head in the   
doorway and announced, "Trowa, there's more people here looking for you." The tall boy frowned and   
exchanged glances with Heero. They'd been wondering if Oz was figuring out where they were hiding…  
"Are they wearing uniforms?" Trowa finally asked.  
Looking a little confused, Catherine shook her head. "No, but you'd better just come out and see   
them. I have some things to do so just call if you need me. I'll be practicing."  
Trowa nodded and watched the woman go. He raised a questioning eyebrow at Heero who just   
replied, "You'll just have to check."  
Wearily, Trowa moved out into the hall and headed to the entryway, making sure to close the door   
to Heero's room. Once he made it into the room where the 'guests' were waiting, his breath suddenly   
caught. 'That blonde hair...! No way!' A startled look actually appeared on his face as he managed to find   
his voice, "Quatre?"  
The blonde practically jumped, startled out of his deep thoughts. He stood up and turned to face   
the tall boy. "Trowa!" he exclaimed happily, not noticing that Duo hadn't moved from the position he was   
in. The American stayed staring blindly at the coffee table and trying his best to ignore everything going   
on.   
Surprise still filling him, Trowa carefully moved forward and asked, "What are you doing here?"  
The smiled on Quatre's face was slowly disappearing as he remembered why he'd come. "Oh…   
um…"  
"He came here to see you of course," the longhaired commented, something bitter in the back of   
his voice. "Quatre, I'll be going now-"  
Starting to panic, Quatre moved to prevent the American from standing. "N-no…! Duo, please   
don't go. You're not…"  
A bitter laugh came from Duo's throat and he turned away, remnants of tears coming to his eyes.   
"Quatre, I'll be imposing. Don't deny that you came here to… see him. I'll be fine."  
Trowa moved forward, brow furrowed as he watched the scene unfold. "Who's this? What are you   
talking about?"  
Worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, Quatre stood up straight again and studied the floor.   
"This is Duo Maxwell," he stated quietly. "He's a fellow Gundam pilot. H-he… has some problems…   
but… he's right." Sighing, Quatre whispered, "I was originally coming here just to see you…"  
Duo'd had enough and he stood up angrily, fists tightened and tears again threatening. His   
forearms ached with the tightness but he ignored the pain. "A problem is it?! I can handle myself and can't   
I do what I want with my life?!" he was almost shouting yet he couldn't force his voice as loud as he   
wanted. "I'm outta here, thanks for everything Quatre, really. But I can't keep this up."  
When the American headed towards the door it was Trowa who ended up stopping him. He was   
frowning, "So what's wrong then?"  
"Get out of my way," Duo's voice was low and broken, his strength beginning to fall.  
The tall pilot didn't budge. He stared long and hard at Duo, their glares piercing one another.   
Quatre stood off to the side, watching with worry apparent. All three were too caught up to realize soft   
footsteps were coming towards them. Trowa's sudden movement of jerking his head up and eyes widening   
slightly was the only warning any of them had. Duo didn't waver, preparing to get past Trowa while he was   
distracted. The tall boy still refused to move and asked whoever was standing in the hallway, "What are   
you doing up? You know fully well…" He trailed off, realizing that blue eyes were resting on Duo's   
shoulders.  
"D-Duo…" the usual monotone was gone, shock and gladness taking over. 'Oh my God, Duo…!   
What happened to you?' He was so pale and thin, looking vulnerable in the long, black clothes.  
Duo froze, just completely froze. 'It's my imagination… no, it's not real… stop hoping! Damnit,   
Maxwell! Stop it! But-' A soft 'thud' against the floor forced himself to turn and see who was there. "Oh…   
God…" he stopped breathing for a moment, staring with parted lips. His eyes closed as tears welled up.   
'Oh dear God… it's him, please… please say it's him…!' When his violet-blue eyes opened again the   
figure wasn't gone.   
Off to the side, Quatre stood with his mouth open and the edges of his mouth turning up slowly   
into a smile. Trowa stood and studied the reactions, his mind figuring out what was going on. Within he   
was smiling softly even though his face didn't give.  
Tears finally breaking free, Duo's shoulders began to shake as he tilted his head down. His voice   
was so hoarse but he still spoke, "Oh God, Heero… I… I… thought…" He breathed carefully to make sure   
he was still alive and that it wasn't some dream.  
Heero still hadn't moved, knowing he was already putting too much strain on his wounds. "Duo,"   
he called again, signaling he wanted to be by the other boy. He felt distressed to see the state Duo was in.   
Somehow he knew it had to deal with him not being around… having self-destructed.   
One foot in front of the other, Duo began moving faster to Heero. 'Oh Heero… Heero… is it   
you…?' He stopped in front of the figure and not even a second later arms were wrapped around him and   
he could feel warm breath on his hair. "It's you… it's you…" he kept repeating it over and over, softly like   
some sort of mantra.   
"What happened to you?" Heero murmured into Duo's hair. He never expected Duo's body to   
stiffen. Curious, Heero pulled back a little from the embrace to study his face. Duo had averted his gaze,   
down to the floor. The Japanese pilot looked up, seeing Trowa and Quatre studying them with… interesting   
expressions. At any other time he might have felt embarrassed but at the moment he was too worried to   
care. He looked at the blonde, Quatre, questioning with his eyes.  
The boy cleared his throat uncomfortably, running his fingers through his hair. "D-Duo… may   
I…?"  
Eyes closed, Duo held tighter to Heero. 'Do I really want him to know? He'll eventually find out…   
but…' Finally he whispered, "Guess so…"  
Trowa broke in, "Let's first get Heero back to bed, the wounds aren't nearly healed."  
After the walk back to the room where Heero was staying, Duo clung to Heero like a lifeline. It   
was still a shock to Heero that he hadn't said much. There was something very, very wrong. Trowa sat in a   
chair left in the room and Quatre stood nearby. Their hands were collapsed, giving strength to Quatre.   
"About a week ago…" Quatre began, throat dry. "H-he… barely escaped death…" Heero felt   
Duo's arms tighten more about him and the blonde seemed hesitant to go on.  
Duo's voice, dry and a little sad, finally rose into the air, "I- I can't tell… You have to."  
Looking down, bangs obscuring his face, Quatre murmured softly. "I broke into Duo's room to   
find his sitting with his forearms bloody."  
A chill shot down Heero's back and his face fell. 'Oh my God… Duo, what happened?' He   
lowered his eyes to the boy clinging to him. "Duo…?"  
"I thought you were gone…" he whispered, "I couldn't stand it. I- I…"  
"Shh," Heero whispered, closing his eyes and holding Duo close. Trowa and Quatre took their cue   
and left the room, closing the door behind them. "I'm here… I'm not gone…"  
Duo rested his tired head against Heero's shoulder, "I still have to convince myself. Oh God,   
Heero… I was scared to death…"  
His words tore at Heero's heart and he carefully lift Duo's head to him. "I'll see if I can warn   
you… or… something next time."  
Giving a frown, Duo muttered, "There'd better not be a next time."  
Slowly, Heero answered, "I'll… try, my best. I can't leave so easily, now. I realize that now… I   
can't lose you." His lips closed around Duo's and the other boy responded quickly. A salty taste entered   
Heero's mouth and he realized that it was from the tears that were still falling from Duo's face. "Don't cry   
anymore… I'm not leaving…" With that, he began to kiss away tears. 'My Duo… my beautiful Duo.'  
"I love you," Duo breathed, arms holding Heero tightly.  
After a few more kisses, Heero pulled back and looked into Duo's eyes. "And… I… love you, too.   
More… than anything…"  
Finally a true smile donned on Duo's face, brining back the reminder of his usual joking self.   
"Zutto?"  
"Zutto… as long as you do."  
"Hai," Duo murmured, burying his head against Heero's shoulder. They stayed in one another's   
embrace for a long time, convincing themselves that both of them were actually alive.  
~~~  
"I'm glad Duo's okay now," Quatre commented softly, turning his face to Trowa. The tall boy was   
sitting next to him on the couch and he managed a small smile.  
"You honestly came to see me?"  
Blushing, Quatre stuttered, "Uh… um… h-hai…"  
Trowa was silent for a while and then he actually smiled. "I'm glad," he murmured, taking a hold   
of Quatre's hand. The blonde smiled back, leaning into Trowa's warmth.  
"I don't know what I would have done if you weren't glad," Quatre replied, leaning his head   
against a muscled shoulder. "Trowa… I… I've loved you for a long time…"  
"I know," the tall boy replied, his lips touching the silky, blonde hair. "Because I've felt the   
same."   
  
~ Owari ~  
Author's Notes: Wow! Finally I finished this! It really was only two day's work but the days were spread   
out. Do you like it? This was my first started fanfic with the Gundam Wing characters however I did finish   
another GW 'fic (much, much shorter). I love the song "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" by   
Backstreet Boys (obviously not mine) and just had to use it. Fits, ne? Please send feedback to   
senshisis@juno.com I really love e-mails so drop a line! I don't care about flames, I'll read 'em but then   
just let Duo-chan cut them up with his scythe. ^_^V See ya minna!  
  
  
  
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